2/11/09

Tomorrow is new years eve. I will sit and think, and think, and think.

Stare out the triangle window in the back seat of cars, remembering how many years I've walked these vacant corners of earth. I will wonder what I've become and if it was worth it.

I will wonder how it is that I died: 2/11/09. How I pulled through, bit my lip, tied the knot, and jumped. How I was, but...

After all of that I can still impact small human beings, squealing around on this pin drop world, billowing with small threads of sadness and no imagination.

On that Wednesday I was pretty. All of my soul had twitched and fell into my skin, it became visible. I remember that all the hickeys had worsened by the rope and got all bloody. I remember how much I loved her.

Maybe a little bit

I can feel this bleeding through my skin. I'm done with you. I'm gonna scream until my bones come up through my throat and light on fire.

Happy Christmas

I got a computer and named her- La Sirena. Everyone says "If I don't see you, Merry Christmas" and we all sober up and we all crack down.

If I die in the next ten minutes, I love you.

This is what big Max tells me, after snorting something with paint in it.
he says: I'm serious.
and I told him: I know, I love you too.
We're all family here and sometimes I forget about that. But it's nice to have a family.

I can't wait for Joan to leave so that Ryan and I can watch bad Christmas episodes of cartoons on TV and I can smoke a cigarette. Max says spirits are worse than regular cigarettes cause they burn slower and actually have more tobacco in them. I don't know if I believe him, or if I care. I also have to clean the house and some laundry. I can't wait to move out.

we could give this a title

I know how...Every little thing ticks and tocks. Sometimes I feel like...No nevermind...No, no, no. I promised.

I wish I could do something, interrupt everything you ever did. Something must be interrupted, or pulled. Teeth, I'm pulling teeth....

I can't rid myself of anything. There's too many secrets, and this happens every single time. It's fine, then amazing, then I'm in hysterics. But then again, there is no interruption needed, it just needs to be paused and then presumed, presumably as soon as possible.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Disbelief

Concept: God only exists if you believe in him (like Santa).

This is the truth though, seeing as the only interaction I had growing up that was God related was the Virgin Mary clip thing permanently attached to my Dad's old truck. Also today I found out that Kiristoff is a Felon. It sort of makes my life because he would be a felon. I realized that I can't live in my house. I end up screaming and yelling at Ryan. And I can't do this. I got an Rx for some anxiety medication. Somethin with an 'ax' at the end of the word. I get to be sedated next week. And Kristoff is giving me shrooms, so I no longer have to pay for them (being a girl is nice). I have to get a job. I hope Penelope hires me. Jimi Hendrix reminds me of the not nasty kind of Cough Syrup. Does that make sense? No? Good.

Concept: Bones have been ground into powder, mixed with small drops of water therefore creating a sort of paste.

My jaw won't stop shaking. Fix this. Music helps, crawls all over my skin.

Concept: Can you die from internal bleeding if you keep swallowing the blood?

I have reopened scars. Concept. Concept. Concept.

Give me something worthwhile.

Eraday

.

I will never forgive.
I will never forget.

I need to make you feel

you give me something I miss, I've been waiting for you, I've been waiting for this.

It's snowing so hard, Ryan is playing outside in his snow pants and boots and I am inside doing nothing but being satisfied from the snow.

I realized that I do a lot of things that people think defines me. I play the piano, I draw, I write, I read, I used to figure skate, I run, I kinda play the violin, I'm a vegetarian, I have over 10,000 pennies in my house, my speakers have teeth glued to them covered in drawn-on blood, I take honors classes, I fail classes, I skip classes, I was a drop out at one point in time, I fucked ugly people, I've fucked beautiful people, I smoke, I take pills, I watch my little brother too much, I love the sound of acoustic guitar.
I have photographic memory sometimes...
This time over the summer, I was at It's house and all I could say was "I wanna move to the city." and I've realized how that's all I care about. I'm going to move to the city.